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LET'S TALK MATRESCENCE !
What is it?
In short Its the process you go through when becoming a Mother
Do Fathers go through it?
ABSOLUTELY However, as with most things Maternity Dads get left out/forgotten (I like to think we are trying harder not to🥰) .
So there we have it, BOTH parents go through it, It's a thing, so What happens? What can we expect? How do we manage it?
WHAT HAPPENS TO MUMS?
HORMONAL CHANGES
Following birth women experience a huge amount of Hormonal Changes. Estrogen and Progesterone decline rapidly, which has a physical effect also. Exhaustion, mood swings, headaches. All of these can lead to anxiety, postnatal depression. However, if we know what's coming we can prepare for the changes right? Knowledge is power❤. Dont dampen down the importance of knowing what's coming with the words 'Baby Blues' know when it's not just that. What goes up must come down, there will be days full of highs and then days full of lows. Normal normal normal, untill it is not
THE PHYSICAL RECOVERY PROCESS
Picture the scene, you've been in early labour for 3 days, all managed well at home, hospital. You laboured for 12hrs plus, then had to actually Birth a human. A real life human with limbs, a head. All whilst having little sleep and potentially not enough food and drink. OR you have had a C section/ Major Surgery, the emotions alone that come with that are exhausting. And THEN, a short while later your up walking around like nothing has happened. Putting a wash on, entertaining visitors, feeding 24/7. Noooooo, It is important for Mothers to take care of themselves physically during this recovery period. Be selfish about sleep, you've birthed a sleep thief, naps are essential, even just lying down becomes a treat. You will not recover if you dont prioritise yourself when you can. Food and Fluids are an essential part of the healing process also. Stock up prior to the Birth, ask friends and family to buy you food vouchers, Hello Fresh, Gousto orders. You will forget to eat☕🍰.
EMOTIONAL CHANGES
These can be the most difficult to navigate, they are intense. You go from being elated to thinking 'What have we done''? Can I send it back'? All normal thoughts. Accept them, they are your thoughts and then send them on the way. Worrying about your thoughts, emotions can lead to depression. Lack of sleep, stress, being irritated, feelings of guilt. All normal. Have a convo with your partner before hand, know what your expectations are of each other. Take 5 mins everyday to ask the words "Are you ok?" If the answers NO I'm not, I'm knackered I havnt showered, I havn't eaten, I've birthed a melon and my insides feel like they are going to fall out" then that too
is ok. That too is validated, shout it out, let it out, dance it out. Just talk❤
CHANGES IN IDENTITY
This can happen prior to birth also. You may feel loss for your old life, life before child. You may start making life changing decisions, maybe a career change, maybe you miss work, maybe you are thinking of not returning to work. Maybe you want to go back to work sooner. You may question your abilities to parent, AGAIN, all normal thoughts and feelings as you navigate motherhood. It's a ride like no other and you will constantly ask yourself questions. Chat to others, you'll be surprised how common it is to feel this way❤
RELATIONSHIP CHANGES
The postnatal period is a period of huge change in relationships. The stress of bringing a newborn home, having to keep it alive and make sure its fed and watered is a massive task🤣. I call it 'Survival of the fittest'. How can a tiny human cause so much chaos. You may resent your partner, feel like they can never do enough, are they doing anything. Your up all night feeding whilst they are lying next to you with their worthless nipples snoring away in zzzzzz land. It's perfectly normal to want to put a pillow over their head. JUST DONT DO IT🤣. Tell them how you feel, talk it out, laugh it out. Afterall your in this together. Your relationships with friends and family can change also. Having a child comes with a shift of responsibilites, a shift of needs. Find ya tribe, find ya village, find like minded people who are not afraid to say "I had a really shit day yesterday" I cannot emphasise that enough
The postnatal stage, the fourth trimester, the forgotten stage. Whatever we want too call it. It is just as, if not, the most important stage of transitioning into Parenthood.
We dont prepare women and families enough for it, we dont prepare oursleves enough for it. Please please please have that time to adjust, have that time to recover, have that bubble with your little family. Take support when needed, invest in more support, it's so important and can set you up for life. Yes it is a 'Buckle up baby where in for a ride' experience like no other; BUT with the right conversations, the right support, the right amount of humour and realism😉 It can be the best transition of your life❤
Do Fathers go through Matrescense??
ABSOLUTELY they do.
For arguments sake let's give it a name. Dr Sonal Patel talks about the idea of calling it 'Patrescence' and I LOVE it. The term was first introduced by Dr. Will Courtenay, a clinical psychologist, and has since gained recognition as an important aspect of postpartum care for fathers.
So What happens to Dads during this stage?. Not to dissimilar to Mothers. Why wouldnt it be? Obviously not the physical changes, but they experience the emotional changes. Heres goes-
What Happens?
CHANGES IN IDENTITY
Men dont have the 9 months prior to the wriggling thing in their arms being born to get ready for this moment. Well, they do in a logistical sense of course. However, they haven't grown it, haven't experienced all the hormones that come with pregnancy. They go from being Man to Dad in the space of 1 minute. AND we expect them to know what to do??? Bit much isnt it🤣. During Patrescense men can experience a huge shift in Identity, find it hard to adjust into their new role as a parent. Miss their old life and want to run to the pub, catch a game and have a whinge. All NORMAL thoughts, and they should be voiced. Doesn't mean they are going to do it, but it's ok to feel like you want to. We all know that men can find it difficult to express how they feel. Find your tribe, it's ok to feel like you do, these feelings are valid.
EMOTIONAL CHANGES
As with new mothers, new dads can find it intense during this new period of transition. Who wouldn't. You may feel extra pressure to provide, overwhelmed with responsibility, never good enough, may feel useless if your partner is breastfeeding. Please dont, mums rely on you more than you think. They may find it hard to express this at 2am in the morning when they have been feeding for 78 hours, but it doesnt mean your useless. TALK, TALK TALK
RELATIONSHIP CHANGES
OOOOOFF, this one is a biggy. Your Queen👑 has just birthed your child, together you have created a human that will remain in your care FOREVER. No big deal right? WRONG. It will feel like a huge deal, and again that's ok. You are now the hunter gatherer, the provider, the caregiver, the protector. Your not just Phill who buys his partner dinner now and again. Your Phill who has a family to support, a partner to keep happy (Happy wife, happy life and all that) whilst trying to find where you fit into it all. You do exactly all of the above and yet your partner still resents you🤣. It's normal, you will argue over who got that extra 2 minutes in the shower that morning, who has it the easiest (you will never win this one by the way, pick your battles). But again, it doesnt mean she doesnt love you any less. Your both on the same journey with different brains, different needs, different expectations. Guess what?????? TALK TALK TALK TALK before the human arrives and takes over your life forever (in the most beautiful, life affirming way)
HAVING A PURPOSE
We all need a purpose, we all need to know we are needed. As I said above men are soooooo needed. Even if it is to bring that 2am snack, pass the wet wipes at the right time, be the person who tells visitors to do one when it's a bad day. Research has shown that fathers who are actively involved in the care of their newborn have better outcomes for both the father and the child. Fathers who take an active role in the care of their newborn experience increased bonding and a sense of connection with their child. Have a chat with your partner before about what your role will be. Discuss both your expectations, is she going to breastfeed? If so you be the nappy changer, does she want company during her night feeds? If not you sleep, and let her have that much needed lie in as the sun rises. Take over that time, let that be your purpose.
Patrescence is an important aspect of postpartum care that should not be overlooked. Men, go find your people, have a voice, speak about your feelings. I can GURANTEE there will be another Dad out there whose feeling the same😎
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